Narcissists often try to win back their exes with ‘hoovering;’ experts say it’s emotional blackmail.
Often times, toxic exes make an effort to come back into our lives. Is it because they truly changed, or are they "hoovering" you?
"Narcissists will hoover during different stages of the relationship. It's a type of emotional blackmail," says Manjit Ruprai, a narcissistic abuse recovery therapist. "You'll initially get trapped into a cycle of love-bombing, meaning they'll be especially nice when you take them back. But once they've got you, they'll start devaluing and discarding, and keeping you in this cycle of love and abuse."
Read more:
How Narcissists Make Us Question Our Sanity (one way at least…) - follow the link in the article teaser as Chris Eby did every single one of these things and probably does them to you as well.
The 8 Most Common Narc-Sadistic Conversation Control Tactics
by Bree Bonchay
Do you often engage in conversations with your narcissist that leave you feeling like you were talking to a brick wall –or worse, maybe leave you feeling like banging your head against a brick wall? Perhaps, it has even crossed your mind that you would have been better off conversing with a brick wall because the wall would have more capacity of providing understanding, validation, and empathy than the narcissist in your life!
Real life conversations with a narcissist are exhausting, dizzying, nerve-racking, and make you feel like you’re going crazy, or at least drive a compassionate person to question their own reality, and even their sanity at times. The circular conversations leave you feeling worse off than if you had never had them in the first place. You begin to blame yourself, doubt your instincts, and wonder what the heck is going on?
REVERSE PROJECTION
Before we realize the truth about the narcissist in our lives, we relate to them as if they are normal human beings possessing a conscience, integrity, and some degree of self-awareness. We trust their words because we don’t deceive and manipulate people, and trust that the people who claim to love us, will do the same. We give them the benefit of the doubt because we believe they truly love us, and no one, who truly loves us, would purposely say or do anything to hurt our feelings and us. We are, in essence, projecting our good qualities on to them, and when they don’t respond the way we expect a normal person would, we become confused and hurt, question our reality, and believe we must be to blame in some way. The problem is that narcissists don’t think, operate, or play by the same rules as us, and our failing to recognize this sets us up for manipulation, and misery by default.
Conversations with a narcissist, especially if you hold opinions about anything that contradict with their opinion of what is the gospel truth, are jam-packed with a barrage of covert manipulation tactics, that are intrinsic to the narcissist, and entrenched in their personality. They will make you wish you had never disagreed with them in the first place, and regret that you ever dared to express your point of view. A simple disagreement will often incite a full-fledged attack on you. Somehow, they manage to twist the conservation, so you wind up feeling like the bad guy/girl, while they assume the role of the innocent victim –of you...
Moving!
I’m very excited to be moving to a place where Chris has not ever been and will not know where I am. For the first time in 5 1/2 years, I will be free from living in a place where he has been. Now when he wants to drive to Chicago and be in the neighborhood or outside on the street near me, he won’t be able to. What a relief! CJ
Chris Eby: Domestic Violence Record and Must Turn Over Firearms
Today, Sept 3, 2020, Chris Eby did not show up in court as he was summonsed to and subsequently CJ was granted the order of protection that was requested due to the harassment. Also, Chris Eby now has a permanent domestic violence record that cannot be expunged, loses his concealed carry permit, and must turn over his firearms to the sheriff. After all the complaints he had about the difficulty with the state getting his concealed carry, he now loses it indefinitely and with a domestic violence record, will likely never get it back. Actions have consequences. Stay tuned for when the phone record subpoena results are in and you see what he said that caused this to be the result. All the lies, intimidation, and repeated statements about divorcing his wife Jeri Hadley Eby who he said IN TEXT that he hates her - maybe she will see what type of person she is married to and decide she deserves better.
Update: August 24, 2020
The Jerry Falwell news today reminds me of the Chris situation. The person who came out with the public news stated he tried to address the issue privately with no results so he went big and public.
I asked Chris to leave me alone. I messaged Jeri multiple times telling her that Chris was still contacting me and asking her to please address this with him so he would leave me alone. I messaged Ashley and Amber as well letting them know and asking for their assistance to pressure him to do the right thing. I messaged Linda Meador, Chris’ mom, asking for assistance with getting him to stop contacting me. I wanted to be left alone and was not keeping secrets from them. That these people would become angry that I had to take whatever measures necessary to get Chris to leave me alone - well, maybe they should have taken care of business with their family privately when I told them everything that was happening. People who are more concerned about how people see them than doing the right thing are not deserving of any consideration from me when I need to protect myself.
Chris asked what is my end game with this website. Well, my end game is that people know who he is. And that they also know who Jeri is and her children are as well, as everything in their lives seems to be a facade. I hope also that Jeri gets help and support for her situation as she also has been wronged and maybe her friends will help her see that, but she also ignored what was happening and allowed it to happen when she was made aware. I alternate between pity for her and disgust for them all that the only thing they cared about was people talking about them and not the disgusting situation that the money man put them in. She seems deserving of what he does to her if she will not demand more.
Did you know Chris and I met and were together when we were teenagers? That he spent years - years that he was with Jeri - looking for me? This “man” has no respect for anyone but seems to think he can have whatever he wants by choosing people who have had abusive situations in their past so he knows they tolerate bad behavior, and people who are nice because they will be forgiving.
Therapy helped me stand up to the bad behavior and say enough is enough. I hope Jeri gets some help, too.
CJ
Update: August 19, 2020
Chris Eby was served with an order of protection this morning at 10:22am EDT to make him stop contacting me. Despite repeated requests to stop contacting me, he continued to phone me over the weekend and I have a strong suspicion that he is aware of the order as there suddenly was a HUGE viewing from the same device in the same location on Friday and Saturday (Chris’ IP address searches this website daily and this was a new one from a similar geographic location - was it the house he lives in with Jeri? Can’t say for sure but the timing is interesting.) After 8 attempts to contact me last Wednesday night by text, phone calls, and email on top of the regular ongoing contact he has done by text, email, and phone calls including insulting my child with bipolar disorder - 18 total attempts to harass me after a final cease and desist request was made - he reached the number of contacts by last Wednesday for me to obtain an order of protection, and the Cook County State’s Attorney is reviewing criminal charges of harassment by electronic means. The order of protection covers atttempts to contact me by third parties as well so that includes her adult kids. It is nice to see that domestic violence laws have come a long way.
I find the messages he was sending me interesting as he was telling me to stop sending the website to anyone when I had not for quite some time. He told me to not contact the kids when in fact THEY contacted me unsolicited. Even when the kids sent me the messages, I had not done any marketing drives for a week. To me, it seems like he and they just want to harass.
I am a hospice nurse, a volunteer with the homeless, and am working to donate a kidney to a friend who is in desperate need to save her life. Whatever else he may have told you (remember he is a liar extraordinaire) to make this seem like some delusion on my part, I have records. I have supoena power. I am an amazingly good person. And I have an awesome attorney who almost never loses by my side. What does Chris have?
See you in court. This time you aren’t talking me out of doing what I know is best for me. After you told me in July that you stalked me all over Dallas when I left you in 2018 (remember you texted me this, Chris??? Proof is present - stalking me while planning your wedding!) I am not messing around with making sure you leave me alone this time.
CJ
UPDATE 08/10/2020:
So, after Chris’s stepdaughter reached out to me yesterday, I was lucky enough to receive messages from her intelligent, well-spoken brothers as well. One even included a threat, stating that they are not a family to be messed with. NOTE: This obviously a lot of bluster from a bunch of Facebook tough guys, as Chris Eby has messed with their family and yet they still defend this "man". Don’t worry dear readers, I have turned the threats over to the proper authorities. Interestingly enough, I know for a fact that one of the brothers Brandon caught his wife cheating, so you’d think he would have little sympathy for a "man" who was/is hurting his own mother. But, apparently, he enjoys being a cuckold and I should “get over it.” Sigh… If only my reaction was just about being cheated on. If only I could take these “wise” siblings’ advice and “get over it.” I can’t help but wonder if one of their daughters came to them and told them that their partner had talked them into quitting their job, leaving their friends and family to move across the country, and promised marriage only to find out that it was all a lie...would he tell her to “get over it.” Is this what they are telling their mother? “Yeah yeah yeah mom. I know he has cheated on you for 4 years. I know he had a whole other life with another woman in Texas. But mom, look at the nice house you live in! Get over it!” Or, maybe, as the obviously more eloquent brother said, “boo fucking hoo.”
UPDATE August 9, 2020:
So, today someone else reached out to me about this website. Not Chris. His step-daughter. Before I share what she sent me, I want to share two things that struck me about receiving a message from her. The first is that Chris insisted he could do whatever he wanted, fuck with my life however he pleased, because he had money “and everything, including people’s dignity is for sale.” After reading what she wrote me, I guess he was right. The second is that after I broke up with Chris for the final time, and he began his campaign of harassment against me, driving up to my apartment in the middle of the night, sending me messages, continually telling me that he was in the process of divorcing his wife, and of course the gun pictures,
I reached out to this woman and her mother, Jeri. I begged her for help. I pleaded with them to please ask him to stop harassing me. They did nothing. They were not willing to lift one finger to help the victim of harassment - or to tell their husband and step father to stop chasing another woman who had ended the relationship.
Guess I should’ve offered to top whatever Chris was paying her. Here is her message to the left:
Now, I won’t address her grammar, her misspellings, her childish use of all caps. But, there are a few things I would like to address.
1) I fucked with peoples jobs? What does she think talking me into quitting my job and moving across country did for my job?
2) I fucked with friendships? Is it possible I just opened some eyes to what was really going on? Maybe Chris will need to buy a new set of friends. Oh well…
3) Does she have any idea what being gaslighted by a sociopathic narcissist for over four years does to someone’s mental health? By calling it a “pitty” (ok, I know I said I wouldn’t bring up the misspellings but come on…) she disrespects not only me, but every other abused woman and man out there.
I truly thought women were better than this. Remember, I wasn’t the only victim here. Her mother remains married to this man. If someone told me this truth about the man my mother married, I would be thanking her for telling me, so I could save my mother from the hell she must be living in. Oh well, when Chris Eby is your step-father, I guess you have to earn your Christmas present somehow.
Why this website?
Imagine you met someone who swept you off your feet. You uprooted your life to merge with theirs. You had ups and downs but were committed to working it out and were in love completely. You were promised that you would have a life together - rainbows, butterflies, and rainbows.
Then imagine you found out that everything was a lie. Everything you thought was true was someone manipulating your life. What would you be feeling? What would you do to regain your sense of being in control of your life again?
People can do things to you when you hide in shame. You have no shame when someone cons, manipulates, and twists your life - they own the shame. It is their behavior that needs to see the light of day.
July 11, 2020
July 15, 2020
Do you know a narcissist?
Have you been impacted by a narcissist? Here’s some characteristics.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201709/how-spot-narcissistic-abuse
Are you suffering from narcissist abuse syndrome?
Recognize the signs and get help. People who have been victims of narcissist abuse often have PTSD and deep damage to their sense of reality due to the extreme gaslighting and manipulation that was done to them. Remember - it is not your fault - it is theirs!
https://www.rosglasrecovery.com/signs-and-symptoms-of-narcissistic-abuse-syndrome/